Musings on KID
by GeekyGenius
Summary: It doesn't take a genius to work out that snipers shoot at KID, especially if you are commonly at the scene of KID heists. This isn't a movie; there is no guaranteed 'happily ever after'. And after all the turmoil and everything that Kuroba Kaito has gone through in his short life, he is owed at least that much.


AN: For the Poirot Café Forum challenge 'suspicions'. This is unedited, so I apologise in advance

DISCLAIMER: Magic Kaito was published before I could even write. I think that settles things.

I'm not suspicious of Kaito being KID, despite what anyone may think or say. Being suspicious entails a small amount of doubt, but I know with certainty. If anyone is suspicious, it's him. He prances around me, the very vision of someone carefree, but with all the care of someone walking on eggshells. Kuroba Kaito is scared. Scared that I know, and afraid to find out whether or not it is the truth. He hides in the uncertainty, the smoke and mirrors that he so often uses to fool others, to fool himself. By not accepting, explaining, he thinks that everything can stay as it always has been. But this can't go on forever. I won't let it. I want to – I need to – help.

I can't tell how big his unseen foe is. But that, I suppose, is why foe always seem to remain in the shadows. It is hard to vanquish something no-one even knows is there. Growing ever stronger in the dark. It is why he wears blinding white. Bringing a little bit of light into the darkness. Skirting the edges, finding a weakness, trying to draw attention. Baiting them, like one might bait no-brained fish with a worm on a hook… Bakaito.

Finishing what his father started and helping to defeat a greater evil seems like something honourable and praise worthy. If anyone else ever became aware of his reasoning they might even say that the end justifies the means. If it will ever end. If he is even alive to see the end. It doesn't take a genius to work out that snipers shoot at KID, especially if you are commonly at the scene of KID heists. This isn't a movie; there is no guaranteed 'happily ever after'. And after all the turmoil and everything that Kuroba Kaito has gone through in his short life, he is owed at least that much. He has neglected to water his friendships and cultivate new ones, too busy fighting for others. So even if I cannot help carry his inherited burden, I can at least take care of him when no-one else does.

Denial was an old friend. If he could just continue to ignore the piercing glares that knew too much, or the pieces of toast that would sometimes be waiting for him the morning after a heist when he slept in too late and hadn't time to make his own. The silent accusations had disappeared, and it scared him. In its place stood a firm belief in the knowledge of his identity. Their casual quips and remarks had changed slightly, although no-one but they noticed it, and he chose to ignore it. He was worried that one day it would become impossible not to admit how much had changed. But for now, denial stood beside him like Aoko used to, guarding his back and deflecting the truth. The truth could hurt, and he didn't feel strong enough to face it. Everything was weighing down on him, and the risk outweighed the reward of possibly regaining some of his strength. He had found a friend in denial; why would he need anyone else?

I found that denial often equalled to not knowing, at least in the case of Kaito. Denial wasn't brought on by refusing to admit the truth, but refusing to even see any facts. His subconscious wasn't withholding information, he genuinely wasn't certain in a fact so ignored it completely rather than seeking out the answer. By denying the question he could 'save himself from harm', as if he wasn't keeping enough bottled up inside himself already. Even someone as mentally strong as him would eventually collapse under the pressure and stress he so stupidly enforced upon himself. I had been through my own fair share of trials and loss, and found no excuse for the disregard he had of his own health. If he would but only let someone in…! He might hide himself behind the smoke, but that doesn't stop people caring for him. Distancing himself isn't going to make it any easier if he is killed by his demons, whether they are draped in shadows or the passage of his own mind.

It was slowly killing him, the fake mask was taking over the real Kaito. He never let it drop, even when he was alone. How could I tell? It was killing him and he didn't seem to be noticing. At first he had to work to pull on his mask when needed, and then his mask started slamming on unconsciously whenever someone looked at him. Soon, the mask stopped coming off. His lies were a double edged sword, piercing the hearts of all he tried to protect. He kept everyone at arm's length, wishing only for their safety. He didn't seem to realise that his determination in saving those that he loved was unintentionally sacrificing himself. While he was physically present, inside Kaito kept slipping away piece by piece.

The world seemed to grow more silent as each day passed. He still mucked up in class and was a disturbance, but slowly everyone was retracting away. Even Aoko and the annoying Hakuba seemed more reserved around him. The comments were less biting, and they seemed to respect his space more – not that he really cared, his respect for other's personal space was zilch. Still, it was strange. His poker face had never once slipped, he was sure. Was something wrong? Had Akako put some weird mark on his forehead? He shouldn't of been that surprised or upset when it happened. He'd been keeping his distance, and it looked like they had given up. Kaito almost wanted to yell at them both and just go back to before everything was complicated. He wanted to tell them, although both of them probably already knew already. Maybe that was why they had shied away. He hoped he hadn't hurt them too much; he would leave them a note detailing everything he had done and why, just in case he didn't return. They deserved the truth and a safer world. Aoko deserved a world where her dad was always home and she didn't need to worry about the dangers associated with being a policeman's daughter. He would make sure she got it.

Oh how I wish they were right, when they said I suspected Kaito of being KID. At least then there would still be a chance to save him. No one will ever know who saved from the danger they didn't even realise they were in. None but I, the only one who could have saved him. Maybe it would have gone differently if I had only told him, but it is too late for 'if only' or 'what if'. Kaito died that day his mask wouldn't come back up. While he 'survived' his mission, the completion of his goal revealed that Kaito no longer existed behind the mask. A ghost of the person he once was, taken by the shadows; while they lost the battle, they had won the war. Kaito's life could never be the same again. He had to keep hiding the fact that he was KID, lying to everyone he met.

Never again could the magician be in the spotlight, forever flinching at the shadows and on edge for the point of a gun. They had stripped him of who he was, and what he held dear; his father, his magic, his friends. As the days dragged on, he found it harder to believe that he had escaped with his life. The punishment of simply surviving, barely scraping by, was harsher than death. He was alone and trapped, haunted by old demons and promises still unfulfilled.

I tried the best I could, but his mind was shut off and unresponsive. After all he had done to try and save us, he couldn't even acknowledge anyone's presence. Kaito was completely despondent. We talked to him about what was happening, trying to bring Kaito back. Guilt at his condition stayed me from either thanking or apologizing to him. He had given everything, when I could have done more. It took a whole month for me to come around and just say it. He looked at me with a ghost of a smile, shaky like he had forgotten what a real smile was like. I smiled at him, but froze at his words.

"So it was worth it. You are safe, and I finally got to see your smile again." He smiled better this time, his muscles beginning to remember after such a long time of faking it. "I'm glad you're alright."

"Me? It was if you were dead, Kaito! How can that be alright? How can you do that to yourself? To us? We thought we'd lost you."

"For what it's worth, I'm sorry. I didn't realise what it was doing to me. And I couldn't bear losing anyone again. I ended up losing you anyway! I… didn't quite realise you knew. I shut out all the clues, completely refusing to even try and admit that you could help. I didn't want you anywhere near my problem, but I ended up dragging you down anyway. I am sorry."

I gave him a hug, not quite being able to find the right words to say. He responded in kind, and he knew that he would be accepted again and had somewhere to belong if he chose. Somewhere he wouldn't be suspected or have to watch his back. And for my doom-and-gloom attitude, shared by all who had visited Kaito, he made up for it by consciously trying to remain genuinely happy. To everyone's surprise, it worked, and in leaps and bounds so very like him Kaito eventually returned to his constant state of being annoyingly happy. Freed from his mental chains, Kaito decided to go to university like the rest of us, and studied psychology. He was determined not to let anyone go through anything as bad as what he experienced.

Omake:

A now 14-year-old Edogawa Conan walked into Dr Kuroba's office. He sighed, he didn't want to be here, especially with a newly-out-of-university guy. He didn't trust them. His now quite regular despair into a pit had darkness had already began, quickly dissipating as the door opened in a bound of colour as a man dressed in white with messy hair pranced through the door. His voice boomed around the room as he welcomed Conan, offering him a balloon flower. He couldn't help the small smile that spread across his face. Well, he might as well give this a shot.

"Kudo Shinichi, it is a pleasure to meet you."

The man smiled wider, if it were possible, and bowed extravagantly back. "Nice to see you again, Meitantei." He looked up at Shinichi with a genuine smile, and he felt he was in good hands. All he had really needed was a light in his darkness, someone to see beyond the mask, someone who knew him as both and could respect him for that. "It has been a while. I can help you with those nightmares, but I have a feeling a more long term solution will be needed. Here, my contact details. In case you are in need of a friend."

"Thank you." Things were already beginning to look up.

AN: This is supposed to be either Aoko or Hakuba's musings on Kaito and the effects that the Black Org, secrets, and the takedown have on him. Kaito and Conan's Black Org are the same in this.

Question for the reviews: Did you think it was Aoko or Hakuba talking about Kaito? I tried to write it so it could be either, but I think there are probably some lines that scream either 'Aoko' or 'Hakuba'.


End file.
